


i love you (but not in that way)

by xuxikr



Series: One Month, One Fic: 2019 [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Coming Out, Denial of Feelings, Friendship, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Making Out, Pining, Swearing, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, they go to a lot of parties, this is UNREQUITED LOVE to the max
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 04:02:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17891123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xuxikr/pseuds/xuxikr
Summary: Mark hears his heart break over the sound of anime boys fighting it out. He almost laughs at how pathetic this feels. He manages to give Donghyuck a smile, anyway.





	i love you (but not in that way)

**Author's Note:**

> not proofread yet because i'm just too excited to post this LOL i'll proofread it soon!

This is wrong, Mark thinks as Donghyuck takes off his shirt and lies on the cold floor one summer afternoon. Donghyuck being shirtless isn’t wrong, but what’s wrong is his eyes raking from the slope of his best friend’s nose to the length of his neck and the dip of his collar bones.

Mark swallows and looks away, focuses instead on the television screen playing some anime Donghyuck’s been recently obsessed with. He’s wrong. Wrong. Wrong. _Wrong_.

“Put on a fucking shirt.” He bites as Donghyuck rolls over on his back now, his hands resting atop his flat stomach. It takes Mark all his willpower not to stare, thankful that Donghyuck has his eyes closed.

Donghyuck doesn’t budge, he almost looks as if he’s fallen asleep. “But it’s so _hot._ ”

“That’s why people take showers, Donghyuck. You stink.”

But not really, Mark likes the way Donghyuck smells. It reminds him of home, of childhood, of unsaid feelings that will never be spoken of. Donghyuck smells like everything he is comfortable with and that perhaps is Mark’s favorite scent in the entire world.

“Shower with me, then.” Donghyuck pops open an eye to look at Mark, a smirk forming on his heart-shaped lips.

The request has Mark’s heart jackhammering in his chest, mouth sputtering incoherent syllables as he throws a pillow from the couch at Donghyuck. Donghyuck whines.

See, this is why Donghyuck is the end of him. Donghyuck is painfully oblivious to the way Mark’s heart goes wild at the thought of Donghyuck. He knows Donghyuck isn’t doing it on purpose, making him flustered and all—it’s just how he is to everyone. But Mark still can’t help but wonder what he has done in his past lives to suffer the torments of an unrequited love.

Donghyuck catches the pillow and sits up, putting it on his lap as he yawns. “It’s so hot and I’m so bored. Yejin isn’t responding to my texts either.”

Apart from being painfully oblivious, Donghyuck is painfully… not into boys.

Mark feels his heart sink at the mention of the girl Donghyuck has been _talking’_ to recently and he shrinks back into the couch, forcing the lump in his throat and the heaviness of his heart to go away. Jealousy itches at the back of his mind and clasps his chest until he can’t breathe.

Mark inhales deeply. “How are things with Yejin going?”

Donghyuck’s eyes rise from his stagnant phone screen to Mark. His face lights up at Mark’s question. “We’re good, really. I mean it’s summer vacation and we rarely get to see each other—but things are good, hyung. I think this might finally be it.”

Mark hears his heart break over the sound of anime boys fighting it out. He almost laughs at how pathetic this feels. He manages to give Donghyuck a smile, anyway. “You said that about your past girlfriends too.”

Donghyuck gets up from his spot on the floor and grabs his shirt, slips it back on as he walks over to where Mark is on the couch. Mark scoots a little to make space for him, but Donghyucks sits _too_ next to Mark and occupies his personal space.

See, Mark doesn’t really mind it if Donghyuck sits too next to him… but he’s worried that Donghyuck might hear the sound of his heart breaking if he gets too close. But Mark is Mark, and Donghyuck is Donghyuck—and Mark can’t ever resist Donghyuck no matter how much he tries. He sits still as Donghyuck’s head finds purchase on Mark’s shoulder.

“This is different. We really click, and I really like her.” Donghyuck’s voice sounds hopeful, happy even and Mark wants nothing more than his best friend being happy.

The easy way Donghyuck finds Mark’s hand and plays with his fingers makes Mark’s stomach flip, but he groans and elbows Donghyuck away. “That’s so cheesy, disgusting.” Mark fakes a gag as Donghyuck topples down dramatically on the couch.

Donghyuck kicks his leg playfully as he laughs. “It’s not my fault you don’t want to date, hyung. Dating is fun! You should do it when you’re still young.”

Only if it’s as easy as Donghyuck makes it out to be. He doesn’t want to date girls, he doesn’t want to date just any boy—he wants Donghyuck in all of his entirety but there can never be an alternate universe where Donghyuck falls for him too.

Mark shakes his head. “And risk being as cheesy as you? No thanks.”

But still, at the back of his mind, he wonders how it’ll feel being on the receiving end of Donghyuck’s cheesy affection.

Finally, Donghyuck’s phone rings and the younger grabs his phone as he hops out of Mark’s earshot. The way his face lights up when he reads the name of the caller makes Mark’s heart flutter, even if he isn’t behind the reason for it.

He repeats the lifetime year long mantra he’s been telling himself. _As long as Donghyuck is happy._

 

 

It’s not that Donghyuck hates gay people. Mark knows Donghyuck’s older brother has a boyfriend, so why is Mark so afraid of coming out to Donghyuck?

He has thought about this for a long time, the reason behind his fear of coming out to Donghyuck. He realizes, it all boils down to one thing: his non-platonic feelings for Donghyuck. He’s afraid that if he opens up about his sexuality, the rest of the secrets he has hidden from Donghyuck will come tumbling out in the open.

Their friends don’t know he’s gay either but the thought of coming out is less mortifying especially since he has Renjun. Renjun, who’s brave and open and accepting. Despite the fact that Renjun can be quite terrifying if provoked, Mark finds comfort in knowing that he isn’t the only one.

They’re at a diner booth waiting for the rest of their friends to arrive. Donghyuck is always fashionably late to everything, Jeno and Jaemin always come on time but Mark and Renjun both have a knack for arriving earlier than the rest of them.

Mark brings down the menu and looks at Renjun as the other debates over his order. He ponders, wonders—if Renjun will be suspicious if he asks…

But it’s worth a try isn’t it?

“Renjun,” Mark begins, fingers finding a spot at the knees of his ripped jeans, picking at the loose threads.

Renjun looks up from his menu and tilts his head in question. “What?”

Mark chews on the inside of his cheeks, pulls another lose thread from his jeans and inhales. He’s worried Renjun will be weirded out by his question, but he hopes he can excuse it for his natural curiosity. “When did you know you started liking… um… boys?”

Renjun closes his menu and smiles in earnest. But Mark can’t look at him, he feels as if Renjun can read into his deepest, darkest thoughts—so instead, he chooses to look at the other’s sweater paws on the table. “Why?”

Mark splutters. “Just curious.”

He looks up from Renjun’s hands, and there he sees a shit-eating grin on the younger’s face. Mark feels as if he’s going to shit himself but Renjun’s next reply eases all his worry. “Okay, well… I guess I’ve always known? Just took me a long time to be okay with the fact that I like both girls and boys. Took me a while to get over that thinking that I’m selfish because I can’t choose one.”

Mark listens intently to Renjun’s every word as the other continues. “But of course, realizing I liked boys was scary—no one tells you it’s okay to like boys when you’re a boy but I literally don’t care.”

He wishes he can be a bit more like Renjun. Mark smiles. “How did you know you liked boys? Was there something that made you realize?”

Renjun hums as he looks up, trying to remember a certain point in his life when he has come upon that realization and beams once he has come up with it. Mark is practically vibrating with anticipation. “Yeah! I think when I was like five… there’s this boy at school—he’s my first kiss… he moved away but the rest is history.”

Mark smiles so much his cheeks begin to hurt as he listens to Renjun’s story. They share quite the same story, except Mark has never kissed Donghyuck and his first kiss was with a girl back in the sixth grade during a game of truth or dare. He thinks he has also liked Donghyuck since they’re kids, but hasn’t fully realized it until they became teenagers. Still, he’s happy that they’re friends. He doesn’t notice Renjun has been staring at him until his companion speaks again.

“Hey Mark, why did you really ask me this question?”

Renjun’s leaning back on his seat now, picking at his fingers as he looks at Mark inquisitively. There’s that raise of his brow and the slight smirk on his lips that has Mark sweating profusely in his seat. Renjun looks intimidating, as if he’s going to eat him up and swallow him whole—but Mark trusts Renjun. He knows he will understand.

“I think… I think… that… I like boys.”

His confession is met with silence, with Renjun’s eyes blowing wide and he begins to think he has made a mistake. Until Renjun’s face lights up in a big smile and he kicks his leg under the table. “I knew it!”

Mark whines, rubbing his leg and laughing along with Renjun. He feels the burden in his chest ease up a little as Renjun accepts him so easily, so openly. “God—I knew it… it’s why you never say yes to any of the girls Donghyuck tries to set you up with. I could smell you from a mile away.”

The mention of Donghyuck makes Mark’s heart drop and his throat dry. So he’s thankful that he’s saved by the bell when Jeno and Jaemin arrive, arguing about something related to Samoyed dogs.

Mark shares a meaningful look with Renjun as Jeno and Jaemin come into their booth. Easily does Jeno and Jaemin’s topic about dogs overwhelm their conversation. It’s a silent agreement, a silent understanding and Mark has never been more thankful for Renjun until now.

Donghyuck comes, expectedly, twenty minutes late. Renjun looks at Donghyuck, and then at Mark—somehow, for some reason, it seems that Renjun can tell what he’s thinking about. Mark shakes his head at Renjun as Donghyuck argues to Jaemin that he isn’t late, everyone is just early.

Renjun nods at him silently.

The day passes without the mention of Mark’s coming out. Mark appreciates his friend’s silence.

Donghyuck, however, can never be silent.

They’re walking home together, Renjun, Jaemin and Jeno behind them as they walk ahead. Donghyuck has linked their arms together while their feet fall into a synchronized rhythm. He can hear the other three’s conversation about Renjun’s classes but Donghyuck’s voice takes over his whole attention.

“Are you keeping secrets from me, hyung?”

Mark looks at Donghyuck incredulously and halts in his tracks but Donghyuck keeps on walking hence he gets pulled as well. “What are you talking about?”

Donghyuck shrugs and doesn’t look at him. “Heard something…”

His knees feel like jelly as Donghyuck continues to put him on edge. Mark’s mind is running on a hundred miles per minute as he thinks about what Donghyuck heard. It can’t be what he told Renjun… Renjun won’t do that to him. So, what could possibly be it?

Mark feels nervous now. “What did you hear, Donghyuck?”

Donghyuck sing-songs his answer. “That you’ve been texting someone.”

“Texting who?” Mark makes a confused noise from the back of his throat. The way his eyebrows screw together makes his entire face scrunch up and when Donghyuck looks at him, he laughs so loud that the other ends up spitting on his face.

Mark pushes Donghyuck away with a groan. “Ugh! Fucking gross!”

Donghyuck laughs as he stumbles away from the sidewalk. Jaemin makes a concerned noise in the background, which is dismissed by Donghyuck saying he’s okay and flinging an arm over Mark’s shoulders.

Mark frowns at him. “I’m not texting anyone.”

Donghyuck beams at him in response, Mark bites his smile away. “I know, just teasing you. I’d know if you’ve been talking to someone, right hyung? You’ll tell me everything?”

For a moment, Mark wonders if Donghyuck has known all along. But he refuses to entertain that thought. “You’re so fucking weird.”

“Yes, but this weirdo got to second base!”

Oh.

There’s a delay in Mark’s reaction that has Donghyuck’s expression shifting from pride to worry. “Hyung? Are you okay?”

Mark shakes his head and hopes the dim of the streetlights can hide the tears forming in his eyes. Jealousy has crept its way back to the forefront, and it’s making Mark lose all footing. The thought of Donghyuck touching and kissing Yejin makes him sick to his stomach, makes him want to scream but all he can say, with a forced smile is: “sorry, I spaced out. But wow, good for you!”

Donghyuck’s smile is back on his face as he leans in to give Mark a kiss on his cheek, but Mark immediately avoids it like a natural reaction, manoeuvres away from Donghyuck’s embrace. “Don’t kiss me! That mouth has been in places I don’t want to know.”

Donghyuck makes an offended scoff. “Can’t you just be happy for me, hyung? I told you, it’s different this time.”

They fall into a rhythm of walking next to each other again, but this time, Mark has shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans so Donghyuck can’t touch him. If Donghyuck gets too near, Mark might just collapse and he isn’t ready for that embarrassment.

“No… I’m happy for you, I just don’t want to hear the details.” He says quietly, the small rock he trips upon now more interesting than Donghyuck’s face.

Now, he can’t get over the image of Donghyuck kissing someone. Kissing Yejin. It all burns a feeling in his chest that he wants to get rid of, it burns him with a purpose of obliterating his entirety. Mark wants nothing more than to go home and take a cold shower to ease the burning.

Donghyuck shoves him a little with his shoulder. Mark doesn’t respond, shoulders falling as Donghyuck remains close. “Okay. I’m not telling you the details, I just want your support.”

Mark laughs, tries his best to put mirth behind the meaningless sound. “I am supporting you. Use protection or whatever.”

Donghyuck laughs and nudges him again, ears beet red at the mention of _such things._ The conversation ends there and Mark has never been more thankful for something to end.

From behind them, he can feel Renjun’s penetrating gaze.

 

 

This is stupid.

He’s been cooped up in his room for the past two days, refusing to talk to anyone and has convinced his friend group that he’s sick all because of a stupid heartbreak he has experienced at least a hundred times in his entire life.

That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but with the amount of relationships Donghyuck has been involved in, Mark feels as if his heart is no longer existent. There’s already a void in his chest from the many times Donghyuck has unknowingly broken his heart.

He doesn’t blame Donghyuck for any of it, though. He knows it’s his fault for falling in love with his best friend—who’s amazing and funny and friendly and out-going and charming and can attract anyone he wants to have. He can’t blame Donghyuck for being absolutely gorgeous that people fall at his feet for his attention.

Donghyuck is wonderful and deserves all the love in the world, but Mark loves him in the way that is forbidden—in the way that Mark can’t express no matter how much he wants to.

He’s screaming into his pillow as his thoughts eat away at him when a knock comes to his door. Ashamed of how loud he must’ve been, he sits up properly and pats down his ruined hair. What time is it, even? It’s probably just his mother asking him to go eat dinner so he responds. “Come in, it’s open.”

However, what the door reveals isn’t his mother. Instead, it’s Renjun in one of his going-out outfits. Mark almost screams in surprise. “Renjun? What are you doing here?”

Renjun shuffles into his room and frowns at Mark’s state. In the presence of Renjun and his best look, Mark feels so little in his pyjamas. “You’re not sick and you’re coming with me.”

“Yes, I am sick and no, I am not coming with you—wherever it is you’re going.”

But before he knows it, Renjun’s hauling him into the bathroom and picking out his outfit for tonight. He tries to protest, but all his attempts are silenced by Renjun’s scary gaze. He doesn’t know how much power can fit into one small boy.

As he gets dressed and tries to squeeze into his skinny jeans, Renjun gives him an update on what’s been happening while he’s all missing in action. Yukhei, another friend of theirs and Mark’s classmate for majority of his classes, is throwing a party and has invited the entire school. Mark likes Yukhei. He’s tall and handsome and sweet, makes Mark laugh until his cheeks hurt but sometimes Yukhei squeezes his thigh in ways that makes him shift in his seat. It’s a welcome touch, nonetheless.

“Donghyuck’s been worried sick about you.” Renjun informs him as he tousles Mark’s hair with some hairwax. Renjun’s good with hairstyling, Mark thinks as he looks at himself in the mirror with his dark hair pushed back. He looks just about 200% better than usual already.

Mark knows that Donghyuck has been worried, evident from the multitude of text messages he’s been receiving but replying only once or twice. He hasn’t really found the energy to reply to Donghyuck. Loving Donghyuck from afar is draining sometimes, and Mark just wants to rest.

“Renjun, how’d you know I like Donghyuck?”

Renjun drops the comb he’s holding and the clatter it makes with the floor fills the sudden silence in Mark’s room. They share a look in Mark’s mirror but Mark breaks the eye contact to look at Renjun in absolute horror.

“I didn’t…”

Mark’s world comes crashing down at Renjun’s revelation. “Fuck—” he sighs out, grips Renjun’s arm with so much force that the other reels away from him. “Fuck, I’m sorry—just… don’t tell him, please?”

Renjun looks at Mark as he rubs at his arm. “Hyung, it’s not my secret to tell.” Mark doesn’t see Renjun step closer to him as he buries his face in his hands. This is embarrassing, Mark wants the ground to eat him up and swallow him whole.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. But if you do need to talk about it, I’m here, hyung.” Renjun’s hand is massaging his nape with little pressure and Mark looks up at him with a small smile.

There’s the silent understanding again and Mark has never been more thankful for Renjun. “Thank you, Renjun… really. I owe you so much.”

Renjun pats his back. “Now stop being sappy and get your ass out of that chair. We’re going to party, baby!”

During the ride to the party, Renjun talks to him about random things. He’s always found it easy to talk to Renjun about anything but their conversation halts when they arrive to Yukhei’s house and immediately get pranced on by Jeno and Jaemin. The big puppies.

He gets bombarded with questions about his absence but Renjun is quick to save him by asking them to get drinks for him and Mark. Like puppies, (Mark’s about 75% sure they’re both drunk) they hop to the kitchen to follow Renjun’s request.

Mark looks for Donghyuck in the crowd and turns to Renjun when he doesn’t see him. “Is Donghyuck here?”

Renjun nods. “Yeah, he’s here. Probably with…” Renjun pauses but Mark smiles and lets him go on, “with Yejin.”

Yeah, he expected that. He really needs that drink right now.

Renjun finds them an empty couch to sit on as they wait for Jeno and Jaemin and Mark sits down. The music is loud in his ears and the chatter of people is making his head throb already. He likes parties, really—he probably just isn’t in the mood for this.

Renjun’s company is great, but he receives a phone call and excuses himself for a while. And now, Mark is alone.

He’s okay with being by himself, but it’s a fucking party and he feels awkward just sitting there. He knows Renjun doesn’t mean to leave him alone, but sitting by himself where people socialize feels like his own personal hell.

“Mark!” There’s a deep voice that booms over every other sound that has Mark perking up like a watered flower. It’s Yukhei, looking handsome as always and Mark can’t help but stare. Objectively speaking, Yukhei is attractive—but the leather jacket he dons and the confident way he strides over to Mark seems to make him even more so.

He closes his mouth that hangs open, not realizing it’s been hanging open when Yukhei reaches him. He gets up from the couch and is met by a big, big hug from the taller boy. Mark feels warm.

“Oh man! Renjun told me you were sick, I didn’t know you could make it!” Yukhei beams at him like he put the stars in the sky just by appearing. Perhaps Mark is misinterpreting it all, and Yukhei is like this to everyone—but it’ll be a lie to say that he doesn’t like the way Yukhei looks at him.

Mark laughs as Yukhei lets go of him, but he becomes hyperaware of Yukhei’s hand that keeps its place on the small of his back. “I’m okay now, and I’m here—just… can’t find my friends, or that well, they went to get drinks and Renjun got a phone call so—”

Yukhei cuts him off as he twines their fingers together and the taller pulls him away from the crowd. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll keep you warm.”

As Yukhei leads him out of the living room and into the backyard. The warm air hits his face and he’s aware of how much he’s been sweating. Someone hands Yukhei a drink on their way out and Mark easily accepts it when Yukhei pushes into his free hand.

The taller leads him to a secluded space in the backyard just behind the benches and the people extending the party into the outdoors. There’s someone arguing over spilled beer but Yukhei eases the tension just by waving his hand at them. Mark likes Yukhei’s energy, his aura that placates even the biggest of tensions. He has that kind of calming, relaxing feeling to him—despite the always energized outlook he has on life… Yukhei is _comfortable_ , like a big teddy bear.

They sit down next to each other, cans of beer that Yukhei has grabbed on the way here placed in front of them. Mark makes the first move to open the cans, having already discarded his empty cup. “You always throw great parties.”

Yukhei looks at him with a small smile, hand reaching out for his own can. “I like seeing everyone happy.”

Mark takes a long swig of his drink and picks at the grass underneath them. “Then, why are you out here with me instead of seeing everyone happy inside?”

He doesn’t know why he’s asking such kind of question to Yukhei of all people, but there’s a moment when they share a silent gaze and Mark struggles to read the expression in Yukhei’s eyes without assuming anything. “I like seeing you happy.”

And there it is. He has no feelings for Yukhei that can amount to what he feels for Donghyuck, for he can build empires with the energy he loves Donghyuck with, but when Yukhei keeps his gaze as his eyes flicker down at his lips—Mark doesn’t stop him when the other leans forward to press their lips together.

Yukhei kisses him softly and Mark feels his big hand press against the slope of his cheek, angling his head a little to deepen the kiss. Mark lets him, kisses him back with as much fervour and tries to drown in the soft feeling of Yukhei’s mouth against his own.

But his brain can’t seem to shut up, he’s kissing Yukhei—possibly the hottest guy in their entire year with his model proportions and perfect height, and he’s _just_ Mark Lee who does a lot of odd work in the student council and posts rap covers on Soundcloud in his free time. And, _what_? Since when did Yukhei like boys—more importantly, since when did Yukhei like Mark Lee?

Yukhei’s hand travels down to his side and decides to find a spot on his waist. Yukhei squeezes there as his lips meld in gentle sync with Mark’s. Mark doesn’t know where to put his hands, so he lets them find purchase on Yukhei’s shoulders ( _very_ broad, his brain supplicates).

Mark concludes that Yukhei is a good kisser, because before he knows it, what once is the soft, gentle kiss has become a full blown make out session. He should be freaking out from the sudden spike in intensity of their actions but again, Yukhei is comfortable—Yukhei makes him feel calm even as he has pulled Mark onto his lap while sucking on his lower lip. Mark can only _whimper_ desperately into Yukhei’s mouth, which Yukhei welcomes with interest and swipes his tongue against the roof of Mark’s mouth.

And fuck, he’s losing it—his stomach flips at the tingles the single action brings to his entire system. It doesn’t take Yukhei long before his hands wander, he’s sucking on Mark’s tongue and Mark is completely putty in his arms. This is nice, he thinks—after being so starved of _this_ kind of affection—Mark almost lets himself get lost in it and risk it all for Yukhei.

But a sudden voice pulls him back to reality. “Mark hyung?”

And then, he feels the world crash underneath his feet.

When he pushes Yukhei away from him by the shoulders and dreadfully snap his head towards the owner of the voice, Mark feels himself pale at Donghyuck staring at him with wide eyes. He can’t understand the emotions behind Donghyuck’s eyes—but perhaps it’s because his judgement is clouded, but he can’t seem to pinpoint the disgust in his eyes.

Still, Mark’s scrambling up to his feet, leaving Yukhei surprised on the ground. “D-Donghyck… I-I can explain!” He stutters as he approaches Donghyuck, but Donghyuck only takes steps backwards and holds his palms up in front of him to stop Mark.

“Hyung, i-it’s fine, just… you can stay here, I’m… I-I need to go.”

Donghyuck runs, and Mark is torn between chasing Donghyuck and staying with Yukhei, but it doesn’t take him long before he makes his decision.

He runs after Donghyuck.

 

 

He’s running past bodies, past people he should be greeting but all that’s in his head is Donghyuck. Now, Donghyuck hates him, revolted by his own fucking best friend and Mark doesn’t know how he can live with himself knowing that.

He’s trying to hold his tears back as he finds Donghyuck, phone pressed to his ear as he attempts to call him. Donghyuck is the only person in the world he’s sure will give up his own life for him, the only person in the world that will keep up with Mark’s toxic behaviour whenever he gets too workaholic. He knows Donghyuck loves him—just not in the way he wishes he does.

So he tries, tries to make himself believe that Donghyuck can’t and won’t hate him.

Mark halts in his tracks when Donghyuck finally picks up his call. “Hyung…” His voice cracks when he speaks, and Mark doesn’t doubt he’s trying to hold back his tears too.

“Hyuck, oh god—where are you? I can explain, I promise.” He’s breathless when he speaks, carding a hand through his locks before grasping at it to ease the aching of his head from everything that’s going on.

Donghyuck responds, “I’m outside the house… I need to explain something too, please come?”

Donghyuck doesn’t need to ask twice for Mark to come running to him.

He finds Donghyuck seated by the edge of the sidewalk, hugging his legs close to him and head resting on his own knees. He looks so small, Mark thinks as he walks to him.

“Donghyuck,” he clears his throat when he calls his name and Mark’s heart stops when Donghyuck lifts his head to give him a smile.

“Hi hyung,” Donghyuck scoots a little bit to give him space, pats on the spot next to him and Mark obliges.

Silence fill their atmosphere, and Mark’s looking up at the dark night sky as the stars fill the abyss. Then, he looks at Donghyuck and to the scatter of constellations on his skin. Mark holds his breath, then releases.

“I’m gay, Donghyuck. And… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I totally understand if you, if you—” he chokes out, “if you’re repulsed… or if you hate me…”

Donghyuck makes a sound of horror as he snaps his head to look at Mark. “Hyung! You think I hate you for being gay? What the fuck!”

Mark blinks, once and then twice. Donghyuck doesn’t hate him? “Then what’s with all the running!”

Truthfully, hearing from Donghyuck the he doesn’t hate him because of the people he likes settles relief in his chest. The years of keeping this from his best friend definitely has taken a toll on him, and finally, finally letting him know about this despite the unorthodox coming out has Mark thinking he can finally breathe.

However, Mark still holds his breath lest should the rest of his secrets come stumbling out too.

Donghyuck laughs, and it’s all that Mark can hear. He’s throwing his head back while mirth fills him to the brim. It makes Mark laugh too. “Oh, I just… never caught you making out with anyone before—and it’s with Wong _fucking_ Yukhei. Good taste, hyung.” Donghyuck claps a hand on his back.

Mark nudges him away with his elbow as his ears burn. If only Donghyuck really knows what his tastes are like.

Donghyuck only pulls him back in, arm over his shoulders. “And like, I’m happy for you, hyung. Yukhei’s really nice and really hot, I say go for it.”

Mark doesn’t want to talk about Yukhei. “But why did you run? You had me thinking you hated me for being gay!”

“Fuck you for thinking I’m homophobic!” There’s a playful bite to his words, and Mark laughs so hard his shoulders rise to his ears. “I might be straight but I’m not stupid! Love who you love, hyung.”

Yeah, love who you love. _I love you._

Then, Donghyuck’s face turns solemn—sad. “You’re happy and I didn’t want to ruin that… Yejin… she broke up with me, or I broke up with her cheating ass.”

Anger fills Mark as Donghyuck tells him how he caught Yejin in the bathroom on her knees for some guy. Mark stands up to find Yejin and break that guy’s nose but Donghyuck only pulls him back down next to him.

“Let’s just get out of here, hyung. I’m really upset—but I’m more sorry for her ass. Like, me? Lee Donghyuck—she really cheated on _the_ Lee Donghyuck. It’s her loss.” Mark looks at Donghyuck, and even though his tone is confident and nonchalant at the whole situation, he knows Donghyuck like the back of his hand. It’s taking a great toll on him right now, too.

Mark twines their fingers together and pulls Donghyuck back up to his feet. “Of course, you’re Lee Donghyuck. No one can hurt you. How about some ice cream and ramyeon?”

“In that order?”

“In any order you want.”

“This is why I love you, hyung.”

Mark’s stomach does a somersault at being told Donghyuck loves him. But he reminds himself quickly that it’s not in the way he wants. Not in the way he needs to be loved.

As they make their way to the convenience store a couple blocks over, Donghyuck apologizes for taking him away from Yukhei. But Mark tells Donghyuck that he’ll choose him over Yukhei any damn time.

Donghyuck shoves him by the shoulder playfully and tells him that he’s making the wrong decision if he chooses Donghyuck all the time.

But Mark won’t have it any other way.

 

 

After coming out to Donghyuck, he comes out to the rest of their friend group too. He knows Jeno and Jaemin will be supportive, but not by saying, “oh hyung, we’re the same. Don’t tell anyone, but we’re kinda _experimenting_ right now.”

Whatever that means and whatever Renjun choking on his tea means when he hears that—Mark thinks that he doesn’t want to know. Maybe Renjun will tell him, someday. But he won’t ask and won’t prod, everyone’s just trying to figure out themselves.

But Donghyuck makes a protest for being the _token_ heterosexual or something like that. And Renjun tells him that they still love him despite his poor life choices for being straight. It causes a good laugh, and Mark is happy—he’s back with his friends, and he can’t help but feel silly for thinking any of them would be repulsed of his identity.

And well, Yukhei is pretty much chill with the whole situation. They’re friends, making out doesn’t mean it’d be weird for them. Yukhei hasn’t confessed—if he has something to confess so Mark chooses to go back to normal with Yukhei again. Truthfully, he doesn’t know what he’ll do _if_ Yukhei does do something. He’s still far too in love with Donghyuck to think about anyone.

But the normalcy of everything, the way Donghyuck’s head falls upon his lap when they’re hanging out in Jeno’s house (and how he notices the difference in the way the three of his friends treat each other), Mark feels at ease.

Mark finally feels like he can breathe, at least partially—because there’s still the Donghyuck thing.

Summer vacation will be over in a few weeks and Mark’s starting his senior year. It gets a little bitter sweet thinking about it, but the excitement about university when people in his year talk about their plans doesn’t ever get old. But the more Mark thinks about it, the more he feels as if he’s losing time with the people he loves best.

He knows they’ll stay friends even after the years of high school are over, but imagining his life when he doesn’t see them everyday during and after class hours seems so far-fetched and impossible. But he knows it’s coming sooner rather than later.

More importantly, he can’t imagine not being with Donghyuck all the time.

They’re at Yeri’s party, and Mark doesn’t know how many parties they’ve been to this vacation but as long as he’s with his friends, then he’s happy.

He’s had awfully one too many shots for losing all the drinking games, and he’s heard the god-awful _byeongshin shot_ sing-songed to him all night. He’s never been good at games, more so drinking games. To say Mark is drunk is almost an understatement. He never planned to get drunk, but here he is.

By here, that means Mark is sitting in a circle with a bunch of other people. But his head is spinning and despite his judgement being clouded, he knows that Donghyuck is right next to him. Carelessly, Mark rests his head on Donghyuck’s shoulder and he feels Donghyuck’s hand on his thigh. It’s calming.

“What are we playing?” He asks Donghyuck, resting his chin on the edge of Donghyuck’s shoulder. He does get a little clingy when drunk.

Donghyuck looks at him, and Mark’s drunk mind translates it to fondness especially as Donghyuck massages his thigh. “Spin the bottle, hyung.”

Spin the bottle. Okay, yeah. He can deal with that. He can just take all the dares because he doesn’t know if he can take any truths at his state. He’s afraid that he might spill out not only his guts but also all of the feelings he’s tried to hide. He doesn’t trust a drunken Mark Lee.

But Yeri’s holding the bottle and she smiles. “Since summer vacation is over soon, let’s make this game interesting, no lame questions or dares, okay? Take a little risk, everyone!”

What does that even mean? There’s a commotion, a riot of protests but Yeri sticks out her tongue and insists that because it’s her party, what she says goes. “I’ll go first!”

Mark doesn’t join the protest because it dies down as the suspense a spinning bottle brings begins. Instead, he enjoys looking around at the people around him. Across him, there’s Renjun next to Jeno and Jaemin, Yeri next to Chaeyoung and Jiwoo is looking excitedly at everyone. Yukhei is somewhere to his left, looking at him—but he doesn’t dare look back. There are a bunch of other people he knows he should recognize but doesn’t, after all, the most important person of all, Donghyuck, is next to him.

Mark gets taken away from his floaty thoughts when the bottle stops right in front of Jiwoo. The circle erupts into a series of laughter at her shocked reaction and Yeri grins at Jiwoo as she starts the game. “Jiwoo, truth or dare?”

Jiwoo is cute, Mark thinks. She always has a bright smile and gives Mark chocolates every Valentine’s. He thinks it’s a sweet friendly gesture, he can’t help the amused lop-sided smile he gives her as she deliberates her choice. He feels Donghyuck move against his side, pulling his thigh closer to his.

Then, Yeri speaks. “Among all the people in this circle right now, which one will you most likely date?”

A chorus of ‘ooh-s’ echoes in their circle and people start to randomly name others. But Mark definitely notices the way Jiwoo looks at him and he stares back, confused. Why is Jiwoo looking at him like that? Does he have something on his face?

The answer to his question comes like this. “I’d date Mark.”

Renjun’s snort is the first reaction he hears. Then, Donghyuck is wrapping an arm around him protectively. Jeno and Jaemin are howling with laughter and Mark doesn’t see the way Yukhei smiles to himself at Jiwoo’s answer. Everyone else reacted funny, but Mark can only smile. Jiwoo is a nice girl, but he really isn’t into girls.

Mark feels his ears flare at the attention, mirroring the pink that dusts Jiwoo’s cheeks. Mark chuckles a little. “T-thanks, I guess? You really don’t have much of an option considering everyone that’s here, I understand.”

Perhaps Mark is just drunk that he’s babbling, but he also definitely doesn’t notice the way Jiwoo’s expression falls at his words. It doesn’t matter, because soon enough, the game begins again and the bottle is spinning.

Mark glances to his side, just enough to catch Donghyuck looking at him with a teasing grin. “What?” He whispers, hand reaching out to pinch Donghyuck’s side but Donghyuck deflects with a quick hand.

“Told you that you were popular.” Donghyuck tells him softly, his breath fans over Mark’s lips and he swallows thickly. Donghyuck is so, so, close to him. If he moves even just a centimetre, their lips would meet and how Mark wishes that Dnghyuck will accidentally close the gap—

“Shut up.” And they do shut up, because Yeri gasps and points an accusatory finger at Mark.

“This is so funny! Mark!” Yeri yells, and Mark takes his eyes away from Donghyuck to look at Yeri, to the bottle, and then to Jiwoo.

Great.

The bottle is pointing at him, and all the other eyes are on him. Jiwoo smiles.

“Mark, truth or dare?”

He loops his arm with Donghyuck’s as he answers. “Dare.”

There’s a pause, people looking from Mark to Jiwoo. Mark continues to smile, he feels a little dopey. But he’s sure he can do any dare that gets thrown at him. He’s Mark fucking Lee!

“I dare you to… kiss the prettiest person in the room.”

His eyes blow wide open and the first person he locks eyes with is Renjun. Renjun raises a brow at him, tilts his head questioningly—Mark doesn’t have an answer to his question.

Then, Yukhei looks at him. Expectantly, hopefully—Mark knows that he’s the appropriate answer, that considering his history with Yukhei, it won’t be weird if he crawls over and plants a peck to his lips.

But that would be a lie.

And a drunk Mark cannot lie.

Donghyuck is next to him, laughing at the situation Mark has found himself in.

“Hyuck,” Mark tugs at Donghyuck’s sleeve, it successfully catches the younger’s attention.

Donghyuck hums a little and leans forward to hear Mark, there’s an elated smile to his lips. And Mark’s eyes dart from the brown of Donghyuck’s eyes to the faint redness of his lips.

Then, as if in slow motion, Mark leans forward to press their lips together.

He knows everyone is shocked, surprised, perhaps even disgusted—but that doesn’t matter when all Mark can hear is the rapid throbbing of his pulse in his ears, if all he can feel is the softness of Donghyuck’s lips against his own. He’s too drunk to ask himself what he’s doing, too far gone to even think about the consequences. He’s drowning in the feelings he has harboured for years, and it feels as if kissing Donghyuck is his only salvation.

Donghyuck’s not responding, so Mark takes the borrowed courage from alcohol and utilizes its full potential. From a peck, Mark moves his lips languidly against Donghyuck tentatively, until—

He feels a firm grasp on the back of his neck, then Donghyuck’s capturing his bottom lip in between his own, completely turning the whole situation upside down. Donghyuck kisses him back—hard and like he _means_ it. Mark’s too shocked to even know if he’s kissing him back properly, but the chorus of the surprised gasps and wolf whistles from the watching crowd invigorates Mark.

Donghyuck licks inside his mouth, tongue brushing along the roof of his mouth and Mark makes a guttural whine from the back of his throat. Mark’s brain is in complete shutdown, the name Donghyuck bouncing in every nerve cell in his system. The feeling of Donghyuck against him fills him to the brim, until he explodes.

When Donghyuck finally pulls away with a cheeky, playful smile, with the cheers of their friends—with Mark feeling like he hasn’t taken a breath for ages, Mark stares into his best friend’s doe eyes as his fists unknowingly wrench around the hem of Donghyuck’s shirt. And in the noise of their friends and the haggardness of their breathing, Mark mumbles. “I love you.”

Donghyuck cocks a brow. “First you think I’m pretty, then you say you love me—are you secretly in love with me, hyung?”

Mark’s hold on Donghyuck’s shirt tightens, and then loosens when he doesn’t find any hint of seriousness in Donghyuck’s eyes. It’s just a joke—it’s just a kiss, it’s just Donghyuck being the nicest person to ever graze the entire planet.

Mark shoves him away by the collar. “You wish.”

Donghyuck scoffs in response, rolling his eyes at him and now he has bragging rights because Mark thinks he’s pretty.

He feels Renjun’s worried look on him, but he doesn’t dare look back. He hasn’t even noticed that Yukhei has left the circle because he’s too busy wallowing in his own emotions.

He kissed Donghyuck. And Donghyuck kissed him back, but it’s just a game, he reminds himself. Donghyuck doesn’t love him too, not like that.

Mark blinks the tears away as he takes his turn to spin the bottle.

 

 

Mark tries to avoid Donghyuck again but as it turns out, Donghyuck is really good at finding Mark.

The kiss has made him a mess. He can’t stop thinking about it no matter how much he tells himself that Donghyuck kissed him back just for the sake of laughter. He knows it meant nothing, but Donghyuck is his best friend and now he’s afraid that his actions might have started an avalanche of everything else going wrong.

He’s so in love with Donghyuck, and the kiss just put the nail on the coffin. He’s afraid that he might not be able to keep up with the grand pretend of not being in love with his best friend if he sees Donghyuck again.

It’s painful, and it’s been causing Mark a lot of problems.

But he isn’t prepared for when his _problem_ is sitting in his room after his routine morning jog.

He’s sweaty and hungry when he runs back up to his room for a shower. His mother tells him something that he completely misses because of the earphones in his ears but he quickly realizes what she means when he sees Donghyuck sprawled on his bed like he owns it.

He pauses by his door, almost drops his water bottle when he sees him. His eyes are blown wide, his heart beating fast not only from the exercise but also from the way he fears to be in Donghyuck’s presence right now.

“What are you doing here?” He finally manages to ask, chugging down about a third of his entire bottle as he closes the door behind him.

Mark walks over to sit by his desk as Donghyuck rolls until he’s sitting up. There’s a safe distance between them, something Mark so carefully planned.

Donghyuck crosses his arms and looks at him. Mark avoids eye contact. “I believe that’s my question to ask.”

He wipes the sweat that travels down his neck and tries to even his breathing. Mark wants to run away, but how can he run away when his problem is right here sitting in his room? “That doesn’t even make sense—this is my room… I… who let you in?”

“Your mom,” Donghyuck says smugly. Mark’s mom does love Donghyuck the most, even wishing he’s her own son sometimes. “You’ve been acting weird, hyung.”

Mark doesn’t respond to him, eyes downcast on his feet. His room is suddenly too small.

Donghyuck rises from Mark’s bed and makes his way towards Mark now. “I can’t understand what you’re going through if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, hyung.”

Is this it? Is this the moment he finally pours everything to Donghyuck—and he’s sweaty and stinky from jogging. Great.

Donghyuck stands in front of him, puts his hands on his shoulders and Mark finally looks up from his floor. “You can tell me anything, hyung. Is this about the kiss? It’s nothing—we’re friends and I don’t think it’s weird you think I’m pretty. Who doesn’t right?” Donghyuck’s about to laugh to ease the tension, but the sound gets caught in his throat as Mark cuts him off.

“That’s the problem.” Mark braces himself for the impact of his next words, trying to not let the look of surprise from Donghyuck get to him. “That’s… that’s the problem… it meant nothing to you, it’s just two drunk friends messing around but—it… it means a whole different thing to me.”

He understands the look of confusion on Donghyuck’s face, the way his hands fall away from his shoulders and back to his sides. “Hyung—sorry, I don’t… quite understand?”

Mark buries his face in his hands and mumbles his next words. “I’m in love with you—Donghyuck, and it’s not just because of the kiss, I’ve been in love with you for… so fucking long I don’t even remember when it began.”

And then, silence. This is the kind of thing that makes or breaks a friendship, and for Mark, he knows what he has just done. He has just lost Donghyuck forever.

But Donghyuck shuffles and he’s prying Mark’s hands away from his face. “Hyung, look at me.” His voice is soft, no hint of disgust or anger or repulse from his voice. It’s just soft, and warm, and caring and gentle—everything about Donghyuck that Mark has ever loved.

Mark feels hot tears escape his eyelids no matter how tight he tries to screw them shut. He’s crying, and Donghyuck’s a bit blurry as he looks at him but he sees Donghyuck’s brown eyes and everything seems to be clear. Donghyuck, even if he’s confessing his undying love for the said boy, still gives him some sense of calmness.

“Hyung, I… appreciate that you told me this.” He starts soft, unscrewing Mark’s fist and twining their fingers together. Mark tries to push him away, to stop Donghyuck from touching him because he knows it’s never going to be the same after this. But Donghyuck keeps at it, both of their hands now intertwined.

“Don’t… I understand that you don’t like me, or will ever like me—you don’t even like boys.” Mark doesn’t know how he can manage out words when he’s still crying. He has never cried in front of Donghyuck, but the feeling of letting out everything he’s kept at bay for almost their entire lives is just overwhelming him.

Donghyuck takes a deep breath. “But you’re still my best friend… and… I don’t want to lose you… I’m sorry, for everything.”

It’s not the harshest rejection, but Mark still feels everything is crumbling—but when Donghyuck hugs him, he feels as if everything that has fallen away into pieces can be put back together if they tried. “Don’t say sorry, it’s not your fault you don’t love me back.”

Donghyuck’s still hugging him, and he buries his face in Donghyuck’s shoulder. He’s still his best friend, and he’s still the person that he always runs to if he needs emotional support. Right now, he needs that the most more than anything.

“You deserve someone who’ll love you as much as you love them, hyung. And… I’m sorry that’s not me, but I love you—”

Mark laughs. “I know, as a friend.”

Donghyuck pulls away and they look each other for a moment. Somehow, this is easier than Mark has imagined it in his head to be, he feels lighter—less heavy and less as if he’s making himself miserable. Donghyuck still loves him, and even if it’s not in the way he wants—perhaps he can learn how to be okay with that.

They laugh together when Donghyuck points out the snot flowing out of Mark’s nose. And yeah, this is definitely better than any romantic relationships he can ever have. Donghyuck is his best friend, and he can’t ever live without him in his life.

When they finally get over it and when Mark has showered, they play some video games and order pizza. Mark is still in love with Donghyuck, but he knows he will get over it now that he has finally confessed. He’s finally on step two of moving on from Donghyuck, it’s a slow process but it’s a process that he’s willing to take nonetheless.

As Mark looks at Donghyuck lying on his bed with his eyes closed, he knows that he will be okay. This friendship is the most important thing in his life, and he won’t trade it for anything. Truthfully, he feels kind of stupid for mulling over this for almost his entire life, for thinking that Donghyuck can hate him for having feelings. Donghyuck loves him, and that’s all that matters.

 

 

When school starts, Donghyuck makes a promise to himself to keep off relationships until he graduates. When school starts, Yukhei asks Mark out on a date.

Of course, he consults this with Donghyuck.

They’re doing homework in Donghyuck’s room when Mark brings it up. They didn’t become weird after his confession, and in fact, it only made their friendship stronger and even though sometimes Donghyuck teases him for having a crush on him, it doesn’t feel as bad as keeping it to himself.

“What—” Donghyuck drops his pen, looks at Mark with his mouth hanging open. “He asked you on a date and you’re asking me if you should say yes?”

Mark makes a vague gesture with his hands. “I just… don’t know if I should? Like, we’re graduating soon—what if it doesn’t work out when we go to university?”

Donghyuck makes a sound of protest and slams his hand on his desk, making Mark jump. “Hyung. You really have to stop thinking sometimes. Just say yes, what could go wrong? He’s nice and handsome, and tall—how many guys are like that seriously?”

He thinks about it, doodling circles on the edge of his notebook. He’s not _in love_ with Donghyuck anymore. At least he thinks so, and perhaps he’s ready to finally try with someone—not in the rebound way, but in the _exploring his sexuality_ way.

He pulls out his phone and moves to sit next to Donghyuck, showing him the text message Yukhei has sent. Donghyuck chuckles. “What should I say?”

Donghyuck takes his phone in his hands and they fight for it. As Donghyuck runs to his bed to send Yukhei a _spicy_ text message and as Mark tries to stop him, wrestling it out for his phone, Mark thinks that he’s going to be okay. They’re going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> To everyone that has experienced or had experienced what Mark has gone through... I love you, we'll all find love one day. Keep going!
> 
> cc: [xuxikr](https://curiouscat.me/xuxikr)  
> twt: [@renduckie](https://twitter.com/renduckie)


End file.
